


blurred lines full of white lies

by insecuritiesmakemewhoiam



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-21 16:05:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16579751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insecuritiesmakemewhoiam/pseuds/insecuritiesmakemewhoiam
Summary: This is a collection of poems that I've written over the years as well as new poetry that I'm posting on AO3.





	1. innocently decieving

**Author's Note:**

> I know I should be finishing my other work, Adjustments but I wanted to share some of the poetry that I wrote when I was an angsty teen who thought they knew how the world worked. This first poem I rewrote because the original sucked (looking at you 15 year old me). This is essentially my ranting in poem form about how I thought I loved my first girlfriend and how she "betrayed" me because she broke up with me suddenly and I thought that we were on the same page (we weren't since this is what became of that). Anyway, I hope you enjoy these poems, comment if you want, all that jazz 
> 
> (if anyone reads adjustments, I have one chapter written and another half written so expect an update in the next two (or three) weeks, okay, thank you for coming to my ted talk, byeee!)

thought the world pure  
thought i felt love  
used as the world's perfect misconception  
thought you loved me  
but you left without  
looking back.

heart's shattered  
shattered beyond repair  
without tape or glue  
jagged edges  
cutting me inside  
never knowing  
until blood runs down  
on my bones  
staining the skin above

used to think the world pure  
used to know love  
left with shards in the shape of  
my heart  
and knew the world  
deceived me  
fighting against  
never with.


	2. dreaming of a white...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I didn't edit any of this, this is my 15-year-old self's writing without any changes, whatsoever, beware.)

My dreams mock me.  
they show me a world where  
someone loves me.  
a world where everything  
is perfect.  
they show me a world that is different’  
to the one outside my dreams.

my dreams haunt me.  
they show me a world where  
darkness is everywhere.  
a world where everything  
is wrong.  
they show me a world that is  
my reality.

and my dreams remind me  
that I’ll always be alone in  
the world.  
because once I wake up  
from the perfect dreams  
i realize that all they are  
dreams.  
and once I wake up from the  
empty dreams,  
i realize that they’re  
not dreams  
but that they  
are my  
reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This poem was written because I don't usually remember my dreams (hence the black) and whenever I did, it was about saying or doing something different in an event that already happened years ago. I was also someone who didn't have a lot of friends in high school (most of them came from dating my ex so once we broke up, they all stopped talking to me, etc. you know the drill.) so I always felt super lonely during lunch (yes, i did sit by myself in the library, read a lot of books that year)


	3. decision i had no part in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to let you guys know, I'm bisexual and a female so this was a same-sex relationship my sophmore year (second year) of high school and I wasn't out of the closet to my family (my mom's the only one who knows) and my school was full of super homophobic assholes.

I didn’t want to let you go.  
But letting go meant you would be happy  
And that’s all I want you to be.  
Happy.

You need to be happy on your own  
Without me.  
As much as this saddens me, to let you go,  
I know you need to be happy first.

Happiness won’t be easy  
In this school.  
In this world  
Where we can’t show each other  
How much we care about one another  
In public.  
Where we’re forced to hide our feelings.  
And only show affection in secret.

Happiness can’t be achieved if we’re forced to be apart.  
If we’re miles apart.  
If no one knows about us.  
If we can only be together in secret.

We need to be happy on our own  
Before being happy with each other.  
I didn’t want to let you go  
But letting go meant you would be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this poem I wrote exactly the next day after my ex broke up with me. 
> 
> Here's the full scoop on the break up- We both have a tumblr and we were following each other (ofc) and we would post cutesy stuff and tag things like babe or my gf, etc. I had her notifcations on so I would know every time she posted.
> 
> Well, (this is the shitty part) one night, March 7th to be exact (I only know this because my grandpa died in 2013 on March 7.) I get a notification that she posted. I go to her page and read something along the lines of, " i want to break up with this person but idk how" blah blah. 
> 
> My heart started racing and pounding hard in my chest as I switch over to my texts and I text her "do you want to take a break or actually break up?" and she replies with "break up" and I spent that night crying my eyes out because I didn't know there was anything wrong, thought we were fine and everything.
> 
> Went to school the next day, didn't talk to anyone, told the two friends I had (bless them, btw) what happened and they left me alone for the most part. instead of doing the english project I was supposed to be working on, procrastinated, wrote this and that's the story.
> 
> ***  
> tl;dr  
> If you didn't read that long summary, basically my ex broke up with me through tumblr/text, procrastinated on my english project and wrote this poem the day after in english class.


	4. x amount old

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, not edited or rewritten. I don't remember when I wrote this one, it states that I'm 17 in this so it could've been about 5 or 6 months after. (I'm 19 now so it was at least 2 years ago). Anyway, I hope you enjoy this (or not. I know i wouldn't but that's because I'm biased, thank you, bye)

I was 13 years old when I found out life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows.  
I was 13 years old when I lost someone I was never close to.  
I was 13 years old when I felt deep regret.

I was 14 years old when I was naïve and thought I knew what love was.  
I was 14 years old when I first wrote what I felt inside of me.  
I was 15 years old when I knew I hadn’t loved him.

I was 16 years old when I thought I would never love or be loved.  
I was 16 years old when I knew I loved someone.  
I was 16 years old when they didn’t love me back.

I am 17 years old and I’ve relearned that life takes the sharp turn you weren’t expecting and it flings you across the road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of rewriting this one because I feel like it's too repetitive? let me know in the comments what I should do!


	5. please understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was a very quiet, shy person in high school (still am, but not as much as in high school) and I wouldn't talk to anyone, I would listen to people's conversations around me (I couldn't help it, sue me (don't actually, I'm a broke college student struggling to survive) but I really longed for someone to talk to me or understand me instead of assuming I was a bitch. no one understood that I was a sad, lonely bean that just wanted a friend and avoided me cause of my face) that's my ted talk, bye

I sit in the back of the class letting  
my eyes wander, observing  
quietly i’m invisible to  
most, some only  
see what they  
want, they  
don’t see  
the  
emptiness  
or the longing  
in my eyes for someone  
to understand, is it too much  
to ask for someone  
to understand?


	6. im fine

at night, when i close my eyes  
i picture a world where i'm not enough  
where i disappear into the shadows   
while someone else takes my place  
in the moonlight.

i paint a picture with my reality  
one i can't escape from  
laying in bed  
trying to escape from the darkness  
i'm alone  
always alone

i fall asleep to an empty abyss  
and wake up   
another morning   
with nothing changing.

i'm never enough  
replaceable  
not worth having  
help me  
i want to escape  
never knowing how  
breath leaves me  
i'm gasping for life  
knowing i'll never have one  
if i do, it won't be mine  
but in someone's shadow  
in their darkness  
i lay  
buried in secrets  
secrets i long to tell  
to people who don't listen  
only hear what they want

i'm sick  
i tell them  
they don't understand  
never do  
never will  
i need help  
i'm drowning in the abyss  
save me from myself

minutes turn into hours  
turn into days  
and months  
and i sit in the same spot  
never changing  
never moving  
same over same 

my thoughts aren't pure  
i'll think of dark things  
ways to end it  
i shouldn't be like this  
why am i like this  
please save me

don't save me  
i don't need help  
im fine   
everything is fine  
i tell people i'm good  
when im not  
and i need help  
but i'm fine   
i don't need to talk  
don't give me a therapist  
i'm fine  
nothing's wrong  
i'm fine  
bleeding is normal  
i'm fine  
don't help me  
i'm fine  
i don't need to be saved  
i'm fine  
nothing's wrong  
except  
i   
can't  
breathe.

but everything's fine.  
I'm Good.


End file.
